I’d put it all in crescendoes
like Orpheus in the Underworld
And tune and steadily amp
This rambunctious love I have
For you.
you. can suffice to say won.
you won and I ended up
loving you
more than I originally thought I ever have
and I did.
I still dream about you
And your faith and spirit
Your courage uplifts me everyday
And I say yes to getting better
And made the unruly bed today.
… .. .
One thing I notice in psych wards in a hospital hallway when you’re IVC is that no one makes your bed.
As a kid growing up in them adopted out of jumpstreet foster care — you learn the rules pretty quickly. Follow Hygiene is the biggest rule. Shower
And culturally, hygiene looks very different and mental hospital doesn’t suffice for the best looks.
I try to stay present and whenever I have to take an L for someone or a non-dubious arrest; I get sent to psych wards after a 72 hour.
Imagine an undeclassified report of a 14 year old having their teeth roots pulled with pliers in the local hospital with the door closed and $60 to a security guard and it was the CIA that finally came to check up on me after like 10-14 years.
So it wasn’t that long ago but I live a quiet life and I was sent out to investigate the top ranked agent from the other side.
Other Side.
And that asshole Johnny chose other side.
Kitty Well still playing on.
Never giving up on that love and I suppose he was gone away more than I knew him to be close let alone in the same room.
I’m pretty sure every piece of jewelry has been some invention of “what if I catch you singing or doing something funny or recordable.”
Man sold every joke I’ve ever came up with.
I’m still
WGA.
And I have to remind myself of these things.
My total career became humdrum and office work in the 80s after shootyshoot boom boom stuff which is average for career
So I got to police work and the FBI and was Liason from Interpol for awhile.
I can match my behavior to schedule and the schedule has been waiting and no schedule to suddenly, let’s watch and keep up.
Just a tune up (it rhymes with everything).
“Be Here to Love Me” by Townes Van Zandt is playing and I got a new country playlist on the way.
annnnndd uh Johnny is not here for this season. Feels indifferent. His ghost is quite present and a haunted paper shredder going off at night and flashing lights and my phone choosing rhythms and scents galore.
Ya know how you can use your senses. Like tasting without eating just smelling.
And all I eat
Is cherry tobacco
And backwash in my drinks after a “The Johnny Level” hasn’t changed. How much of a drink I owe him to be cordial with no cup offered.
A mad man.
And we’ve been playing “Say You’ll Haunt Me” by Stone Sour for years and I made my promise and loaded it into my playlist after he gave me a date 23 years ago. The Biochemical Equation, indeed. And that’s when it was playing on shuffle of a like 30 hr playlist and the shredder went.
A couple nights and then I finally got the courage to check and it was on auto, which is reasonable like maybe a bug met an unfortunate fate at worst case scenario, check my desk chair but the desk chair would break the shredder.
And then I turned it to off
And it still kept going off.
And he’d do this in The Living.
Knowing it was a fear of mine. Like those pet peeve twitches.
And I’ve written and shown the spooky shit and photography of chez Sam. I noticed it as soon as I moved back.
On assignment.
And the whole town is haunted.
Everyone has a ghost story.
And now: I know who was it that died here haunting me.
But it’s sometimes Casper like.
And he’s right I had to like “P.S. I Love You” myself into baby steps. I finally made my bed. I Marine Hygiened like two days ago and cooked a meal.
Took the extra large trash bag out of my room. God I gotta stop doing that. It’ll be full of like water bottles and soda cans. Like recycling mostly. And it just sits in front of my desk.
I believe in Feng Shui and it just is too much torment to put up laundry.
Oh what was I thinking about!!
They gave me “donation clothing” and I got Christmas presents when I was IVC’d.
They put my fucking yellow checkerboard crosswalks Vans in the fucking “Louvre of Agency” as I am reported. And they gave me tiedye plastic foam Birkenstock rip offs. And they were like size 5s but I know how to balance on em.
But the donations were sweet
I always got medical care wear too
Came in with surgeon scrub workout pair grey
And a Steven Rhodes let’s start a cult shirt that is iconic if you’ve met me before.
And I even wore the merry Christmas long sleeve that was so cozy.
And I reportedly can fit mediums across the board. I told em xl to large and the medium Haney Haney grey shirt v neck fit me.
I haven’t written in forever this long.
What was my other point?
God Act Natural by Buck Owens is on. Remember when I’d list out songs in my writing? I’ve gone through so many arcs of my writing.
When I started writing Horror/Thriller I wanted to escapade the views of how I see it in history and the different forms of fear. My own movies scare me because I’m inspired by what I’ve seen or gone through or can imagine.
All my webpage stuff is screen written these day. Every post and episode or movie.
I suppose that’s my act natural.
Not a Snapchat post anymore. Oh Musks Man you’ve won as far as me knowing I’d miss the account. And I thought about Threads.
It wasn’t until someone around me broke about conspiracy theories and a lot of New Yorker started moving to town stopping me going “Chang?” and I forgot I had a TV show out a short on CNN that very much is inspired by Anthony Bourdain who I knew quite well and almost married in the 90s. But The Adventures of Chang-Li.
I saw on Netflix a movie where a girl got social media famous. Idk if she knew she was or not.
Because I remember a couple times people would ask me if my posts always say 0. And I said yeah and they would know who I was before I met them
.
I think Johnny fucked around on that one.
When I was in the 2 weeks previous Behavioral Health Hospital there was a day where I got greeted in the courtyard and my DEA and alcoholic addict days got ahead of me. Years spent drunk stoned and high rolling on anything just to get to see My Loves and Yous, when it was really like 2 years after residential psych ward when I was 14 when I was self harming.
Blood-pulling in old native ways.
I just realized I Alzheimer and Dementia’d again.
Usually happens after a stay and I have to reconfirm my life.
My tumor is growing back but still under 2.7oz but lingering around there where the memory recounts come into play
That’s what brought me to writing.
One day a young Myrtle committed after years of war, agency, and diplomacy; I’d get to write about it and I’d get to write about all the beautiful poems and feelings and writer blocks and all the journals I’ve filled and will continue and have one day.
I didn’t feel like journaling and break out to grab it.
Years of carpal tunnel and typing is faster and more ergonomic than the pen.
And all I hear at night: is clicks from my mouse in my drawer.
Haunted again by the man who said all I needed was a phone to run a business.
And my stories turned out better on my laptop but it was so personal on my phone. This one’s a phone way.
Also, I’m an Exorcisor like an Exorcist so knowing and understanding how the spirit passes is my thing. And this is a spirit that doesn’t want to buck
He didn’t even choose to die in my house and left the night we watched The Omen, Raising Arizona, Casino, and Fight Club..
Sleepy time movies and he missed it.
And that was the night he killed himself.
There, I said it.
And peaceful is all that was mentioned. And all I wonder is I got paid 17 ways at Columbia if he’s pulling one over on me but then the shit going on in my house.
I’ll get anxious and smell his pheromones and then settle myself and it’s pure sandalwood.
Shouldn’t smoke so many cigarettes.
That was the best thing he said about me that I could do.
“Your Party Trick is Smoking. It’s your Talent. I’ve never seen anyone smoke like you before. Not like a chimney like a substck a shorties in a fire pit with plumes. No one would could put out your fire. Achwure etbreb brich. “
And I think about how I feel crazy about being a polyglot.
And then when I was in the first behavioral health when everything was going on in November/December. I had the confidence to speak in creoleon and then Spanish, french, German with another dear friend that remembered me.
She greeted me as “Myrt.” That’s how way back we went to Catholic School together before she became Mormon and then everything got back to Gregory who has never lost me ever.
Ramblin’ Man is playing the Hank Williams version.
And you know for all I say.
Gregory is my ex-husband but I use different names for him in keepsake and endearments l
But he’s always called me Samantha before it became my name. He promised me in marriage and conversion I’d be Samantha.
And I became his Samantha and he became my Jefferies. But I swore I only called him Jeffy or Jefe or dahgregories at home. A Jewish Dominican that passed for white his whole history.
I feel that would paint a different picture.
And Johnny was the best Southern Baptist German I’ve met. And I still don’t know much about Southern Baptist but one thing they love about me: I stir the cabbage and eat the kraut.
Eat the kraut means achebent which is also “say you’ll haunt me” like when your husband dies or if he’s at war or you want his spirit to be home he’ll smell the cabbage and haunt the home
Germans are so specific and very different than ordinary Americans on burial rights compared to Buddhist Rites which is my practice and Catholic Prayer rights are another of mine. Even as an Italian, as a Roman and Milieani: we get scared to be haunted. And Germans aren’t. The fast humor. And Johnny is the funniest guy I know. He inspired me to write Snape as a character in yUOUK one Hehewhat SerIes I’m talking about. always.
And I see that on tattoos I find on people in agreeable but goddamn those books make so much for St. Jude and Make-A-Wish!! (The extra exclamations go to geriatric too..funny spelling but helps understand that money will never stop pouring even if everyone hates Harry Potter in a couple years
I haven’t hung out with the celebrities since like 2001? And it was for Make-A-Wish after I shrunk looking Dobby in Harry’s shirt myself or like the scene with shrunken president on Rick and Morty. Or the little girl from Monsters Inc. omg that is the one. I looked like her and Lilo and I am the Voice Actor for Lilo it was just billed in 1995 and finished after the coma and everything.
But you know what’s weird.
Johnny said I haunted him even in my coma.
But like astral projection wise
He’d see me in a room or I’d come up to him or I’d be working. Mostly that
He’d see me in my office and the work would be done and I was still laying in my hospital bed
Which is primordially seen as “Monk shit” in Asia where in mountain villages that practice Buddhism would be more understanding.
But it didn’t happen for years again until I started practicing Meditation starting with Mindfulness. I started to explore psychology, sociology, philosophy, spirituality, and religion at about 2011 to give reason to why I felt so out of sorts and depressed like I’d never fit in. Holding all these secrets and being a child actor living the suburban life now.
Hello Trouble by Buck Owens playing now.
Welcome Home, Indeed.
He always said I’d look good in Birkenstocks.
Omg I just realized.
The dude that said hi to me before I said hi to me at behavioral health had matching tye dye Vans with his little brother for my freshman year and his senior.
Jesus do you ever look back at highschool even if you’ve been 17 times to and 8 times to the same one and realize all you’ve forgotten.
Two years then cold turkey and now I think about the days I cant relax or have cancer dementia alzheimer shit. Epilepsy and seizure the other day.
In mangled shits and my protective cover of my bed and sheets coming off. Unmade bed always makes me think of Chelsea Hotel no.2 by Leonard Cohen. “getting head in unmade bed” getting or giving whatever the real lyrics kachow
I haven’t been so personable but I’ve been told in many notifications and song notes what’s going on with me..haven’t opened up or been personable in writing. Mysterious and bored before.
My inspiration is Garden State by Zach Braff right now.
Epileptic Gal. I was an Advocate in town she worked in the law office.
Natalie Portman – I write your characters you do a great job 10/10.
But yeah, Garden State. New Jersey
I’ve been watching How I Met Your Mother and back to Sopranos.
I lived in Camden for 8 years with Johnny and Gregory. He was our roommate and I
Don’t Make Me Go.
By Johnny Cash is the first song I picked it just turned on.
This is His Song I’ve always dedicated it out to him. I’ve done Karaoke twice in my life before the Behavioral Health place where it was evident I didn’t know I was Famous
More like almost.
People telling me “you’re not all you’re saying you are” and I hadn’t spoken up about anything about what I do or talked with them.
Don’t Make Me Go.
Such a pretty strum at the end.
What’s next.
The Bottle Let Me Down.
Alright this playlist is still a baby at an hour or so
Gotta work on it.
But I want to listen to a specific song that’s my favorite and it’s how I feel about Johnny
We have the same birthday before our age changes
(btw I was in a cryo freezer for two years after a car accident where I was inebriated on Cocaine during my Griselda days.
It was new but my great friend’s invention he toiled at and I was the first candidate. Everyones personal care is different and whatever you believe in but it worked for me and it worked for him 40 something years later. He chose a date and he’s been fine but haven’t found his ass much since Johnny’s been gone.
Everyone is scared to check up on me or watch the cameras I have or they got (safety concerns you can’t see em) because it’s spooky af. And same thing they see Johnny plain view and theyll see him in his cryo freezer.
Worst than the Musks mans story..apparently I died in my sleep still undercover during an awkward situation and he saw my spirit. I recovered obviously
Also
To note.
There’s a SAG girl and I was the woman that wouldn’t show up for events. And partners not married.
For all I’m blocked from seeing for being famous and not knowing it even the Discovery Kids stuff and Masticadores (which btw there are publications on WordPress and they’re well known but it’s also a charity in Spain that works with Milan de Uno. Any relation I’m unsure of between the two entities) it’s basically the Sarah Lawrence in scholarships internationally if I had to equate it.
So many times on Jumpstreet
Kids! If there’s a message from Sam even if it feels like stupid since I stopped going to school my freshman year in 2014 and was an alcoholic addict self harming and then booked it 3 times and then to residential behavioral center: go to school.
Find your path.
A synchronicity!
Gentle On My Mind by Glenn Campbell.
Path. Right as I was typing.
A Letter to Johnny this in.
So I’ll share a joke.
I’m playlist building. So let it be.
Johnny voices Klaus on American Dad! And he did a Wichita Lineman spoof and it’s the most hilarious shit to me it lives rent free. The
Something is Borax episode too that was a season finale where Fran and Stan want to keep struggling and eventually end up after a series of misadventures in a hot air balloon and land in the Outback and choose to run back.
The opening is going on dates tho and it’s a shout-out to The Butterfly Museum in Raleigh, NC which I love. (Princess Goes too ly Mikey eat an eraser for me one day I’ll afford to watch the Original Sin on Paramount)
Oh I did start Landman though and I can’t get out of my head Billy Bob Thornton with a pocket knife scraping to bone off his finger. Even if it’s makeup Jesus. Worse than The Shape of Water “two necrosified fingers” my own memory written into mind rent free.
Idk what I was going to write and I suppose I have a better mind for poetry.
Oh the song that makes me feel how I feel about loving Johnny:
The lyrics even. that’s why you gotta show me why I never loved you
,..
;each time I learn a new
for all that you awaken in me the brightest self to not give up and fortune to fade I will always find you in every thought and my life is loved in full knowing whether I see you again is indifferent and unordinary to our genetic defect that keeps you here with me forever
and we proved it with science, ya know
it took a lot of science and faith to get there.
This was his favorite song ever since he made it. I noticed it come up one day sitting outside while I was working and algorithm breaking.
2006 release and it was made in 1981 when dudes was going to Brown University on his first jumpstreet where he stayed after highschool. He hadn’t become an agent yet. Late bloomer
Sound Junkies
Latency for an 8-track to Spotify and released to CD in 2006 and I made Spotify in 2003 and it took 2 years to download whether my dad knew it or not I
Remember the day in Yuma, Arizona the balloons and giant check showed up and I gave Elon Musk a thumb drive of a completely downloaded Spotify from my Dad’s infamous Sony Laptop from Okinawa.
And he took care of the rest and he said he’d let me know. I’m a philanthropist so I don’t get anything and all my shit is turned and I have Deep L on my phone and screenwriting and Linux let alone the WGA.
I wouldn’t have Spotify without him imagine
I remember it was about 2017 and I found on a Wikipedia deep dive of just searching bored and reading up on celebrities and all my Intel. Whether for news or just to keep up with the world and both sides of the media; even if henceforth I don’t work in Social Media.
Even on here I’ve been scared to admit Elon Musk and I have had quite the relationship. And it 1997-2001 he was married to a Samantha Wilson and she was a children’s book writer.
I had just written Andrew Clements
And Harry Potter and Divergent. Hunger Games was the first. And then Donnie Darko which is coming out soon.
And thanks to all my secrets and philanthropy: this will be a sequel to another movie. Call it
Johnny’s Revenge by Crown The Empire ah sandalwood
need fresh vape.
time to write something else.
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