I used to think in my deepest, darkest dwellings of my rampant cynicism, that I am not good enough. Everything I do is not good enough, therefore making me incapable of success.

A little subtle fear of failure, anyone?

This game I thought, I had beat at a relatively young age; I am fucked in, now.

Pauses and everything included, because it needed to be told that way.

And I am perusing the idea of how I am not fucked, currently.

Only to realize, it is in the deepest, warmest even; part of my heart – that I simply care too much.

And I’m still circumnavigating how the fuck I spent virtually eras in my time not knowing how to care, and like everything else, I dipped my toe and dived in, and can’t let go – I care too much now.

Surrender or release, I really don’t know where it goes.

I keep hoping to find this way, and I suppose that’s why I don’t give up. I cling onto hope like some optimistic phony, only to realize the shock of fear has led me to believe that’s all that’s left in the box.

I still don’t know how to leave the table.