Musings 1640: In the Moonbeam Marsh

Today was supposed to be my off day.

Yet, I find myself back here because the glorious, sentimental void of my mind needs to breathe a little.

I made a cute breakfast. Started the search for singles on a new playlist. Very similar to other playlists I’ve made, I just haven’t listened to these songs for four years straight and somehow feel the need to “grow up” in tastes.

I have often struggled with the sense of recycling my interests. Fixated for however long. Sometimes for a few days to a few years. Then once I distance myself, and accuse myself of abandonment. It’ll sit heavy on my brain. The lack of regularity eating away at me, as if my credibility to my own self has been diminished. A part of me that wishes to relearn and fears failure if I try again. Risk-adverse unless I’m convinced it’s a full-proof solution to incorporate whatever I had lost along the way. Then I mellow and understand the tension within me that doesn’t allow this discord to breathe. Breathe life. Into hobby, activity, life, relationship, or dream. My only reminder is I have amazing best friends and that support in my lowest time has allowed an uncanny validation. I wasn’t searching and somehow we share in that resolution, regardless. Unconditional Support. I think that’s what I’ll call it. I think that’s what it is?

In these times, I feel it’s a majority of what I can cling to. Besides my own means, fears, accomplishments, tumbles, and climbs. Climbing the mountain, after I dug through dogshit just to get to the peak and I just keep going. Just keep pushing forward like some locomotive and my only charge is the spark of my own happiness. Daisy trains, like little lily pads and I’ve decided to chart no map this time.

I like knowing I don’t know where I’m headed this time.

I like knowing I have no idea where this, any of this, will lead me.

In that; I find a holier sentiment than any can relinquish my hours of prayer, hours of meditation, of the holier movement of my hips as I stretch for admiration towards the sun, and all that is blessed. In that sunshine, as it crept and I see another cardinal in the yard. Tinkering outside my window. Only to see its mate after the male has forgone.

I see these cardinals chase each other every day.

And every so often, I see the days when they sit together near their branches, rub beaks, and the chirps as their partner delights in just the coolest little twig you’ve ever seen.

I think that’s a sense of joy I’ve been feeling lately.

I saw a very large bunny in my yard recently.

A turtle eating a very expensive mushroom I’ve never seen grow in my yard before.

Frogs, of every sort that have traveled well if I find them skittering around.

Signs and omens of exploration to the curation of abundance.

Whatever dance I’ve toiled with that.

May it not yet be over.

May it continue, and prose and lead me to the marshes, the swamps, dig through the sludge, and I swear one day it won’t be a climb but a drop. Then the picture will lighten. Selene will shine Her light down on me. Then suddenly, I’m right where I’m supposed to be.